Archive for the Tenebrae Category

Weekly Crappy Movie Review is ON!

Posted in Tenebrae on February 7, 2009 by Skuties

Hi guys!

Today we are going to introduce you one of our passions: Crappy movies that were supposed to be serious. Aren’t those the best? Yes they are.

That is a very old tradition that my cousin, Gabriel and I have and now we decided to share this with you. First one had to be from the king of crappy movies that were supposed to be serious:

Dario Argento

We are not going to make a conventional review and won’t go deep on the author’s bio, that’s why Google is around. On our weekly crappy movies that were supposed to be serious reviews, we will show you our reaction to the movies as they were playing. We also have our own ratting system and you will figure it out with time.

Today’s movie is Tenebrae
and it scored 7 spaghettis on our thing-o-mometer.

Gabriel (8:27:41 PM): he
Tati (8:27:49 PM): dariooo
Gabriel (8:27:49 PM): dario
Tati (8:28:54 PM): wow there are a lot of Argentos on this movie
Gabriel (8:28:58 PM): yes!

Yes the whole family is in this movie apparently. So, we really tried to follow the storyline and I am sure we only managed to understand a bit of this movie because we have Italian blood. Otherwise nothing would have made sense. (That was a joke)

Here is what we think happened on the movie:

There is this guy, Peter Neal, who is a writer. He writes about murders and evil stuff. He wrote this book called Tenebre and someone started killing everybody, just like the killer on the book.

Here is the killer reading the book by the fire and all

And here, he hated the book and decided to burn it

And with all that rage, the movie begins and soon we will have our first victim.
Here she is stealing books. Apparently she is a filthy whore, because to get away with the stealing she gives the security guy at the store her address.

Soon she will get what she deserves for stealing. She will get killed by 4 deep wounds

Tati (8:44:54 PM): “4 deep wounds: throat chest and suffocation”
Gabriel (8:45:06 PM): deep suffocation

Meanwhile, Mr. Peter Neal arrives in Rome from NY for a bunch of interviews , but the police wants to talk to him because of the murder, since the killer stuffed the filthy whore’s mouth with the pages from his book. While he is trying to help the police the killer is on the move, killing a bunch of random people trying to make a point. (We will find that out later, or never).

When the police is trying to figure out who the killer is, Mr. Peter gets a phone call from a psycho woman and that makes us think she is the murder. But that brings nothing to the plot whatsoever because we never hear from her again. Oh Well…

Then there is this girl that jumps into the movie. All we know is that she is on the beach with a bunch of violent gay guys, has red shoes and is very angry. Every time she appears, she is on the beach and there is this dreamy music so we couldn’t figure it out is that’s a dream or if someone is stoned thinking of her. And we will also never find out.

Tati (9:29:07 PM): plin
Gabriel (9:29:08 PM): plin!
Gabriel (9:29:10 PM): UAHEuAHEuhaeuhAEuhAE
Tati (9:29:15 PM): hahahaha

Then there is this lesbian couple, but they have no “ties” and the fat lesbian decides to take a guy home even though that made the thin lesbian pretty sad. And of course, the fat one gets what she deserves for being a “cheap little hooker” and being “toooo draaaaaaaank” (feel the Italian accent) . After a 30 minute shot of outside of the girls’ house we finally get our kill. The killer actually kills them both.

And then there’s Mario and Luigi

Tati (9:03:39 PM): mario and luigi
Gabriel (9:03:42 PM): mario and luigi
Gabriel (9:03:44 PM): AUEhUAEHueAHuhae
Tati (9:03:45 PM): hahahahaha

The killer send Mr. Peter letters teasing him and telling him he is basically killing because Mr. Peter writes about evil stuff and that made him evil. And he keeps on killing… But then he kills a girl that was somehow important to Mr. Peter and he gets pissed and goes after the killer with this blond guy who I think was in love with the girl.

Her death is pretty complicated though: first she is going home with the blond guy, then on the next cut she is spiting on a different guy and yelling NO NO at him and tell him to go fuck himself, with a very strong Italian accent, and he leaves her there in the middle of nowhere in the dark. Then she gets chased by a ninja dog and ends up at the killer’s house. The killer forgot the keys on the door and that’s how she gets in. The killer was about to kill another girl but he remembers the key on the door and go back and then, well then he kills the other girl instead.

THEN there is this other lady who apparently have been following Mr. Peter from NY and we finally think we found our killer. But then she gets killed.

Gabriel (9:51:56 PM): twiwlililililililill
Tati (9:52:12 PM): it was jason
Gabriel (9:54:50 PM): I confess I didn’t understand the purpose of ANY character
Tati (9:54:55 PM): wtf! This lady!
Gabriel (9:55:54 PM): huhuuuuuuuuuuuu
Tati (9:56:05 PM): *excited*

Then there is like one person left to be the killer and he also gets killed. Then a bunch of people appear on the scene and they all get killed and we are left like that with no killer…Mr. Neil gets killed by a statue and a lady gets stuck to a door. And you can hear her screaming through the whole credits. AWESOME!

Tati (9:57:21 PM): OH WOW
Tati (9:58:38 PM): who is that?
Gabriel (9:58:42 PM): I don’t know anything anymore
Gabriel (9:58:47 PM): who got there in the end?
Tati (9:58:50 PM): I thought the one on the floor was the one standing
Gabriel (9:58:55 PM): me too
Tati (9:58:55 PM): the one on the floor is the one with the red shoes
Gabriel (9:58:57 PM): Godammit, this movie!
Tati (9:58:58 PM): fuck
Gabriel (9:59:30 PM): he quoted sherlock holmes
Tati (9:59:37 PM): it’s not helping
Tati (9:59:58 PM): who’s the girl with the shoes?????
Tati (10:00:23 PM): a BOOK!
Tati (10:01:16 PM): …
Gabriel (10:02:17 PM): who is the cow on the floor?
Gabriel (10:02:23 PM): and who is that one in the car?
Tati (10:02:39 PM): the one on the floor is the one with the shoes
Tati (10:02:47 PM): the one in the car is the filthy whore from the beginning
Gabriel (10:02:49 PM): there are 2 on the floor
Tati (10:02:58 PM): there is jane and the other with the shoe
Gabriel (10:03:05 PM): jane is the one with the shoe
Tati (10:03:15 PM): no jane stole the shoe from the crazy girl with the shoe
Tati (10:03:29 PM): it was him!
Gabriel (10:03:29 PM): jane won the shoe
Tati (10:03:46 PM): KAN
Tati (10:04:23 PM): son of a bitch
Gabriel (10:04:38 PM): RHuSHRuhSRuhsRHusr
Tati (10:04:58 PM): yay….uuuuu almost
Gabriel (10:05:20 PM): they still got a shot!
Gabriel (10:05:24 PM): she will use the sculpture!
Tati (10:05:25 PM): YES!
Gabriel (10:05:37 PM): aeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Tati (10:05:41 PM): hahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Tati (10:06:00 PM): why is she still there?
Tati (10:06:09 PM): hahahahahaha is she stuck on the door?
Gabriel (10:06:11 PM): because her line is AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH
Gabriel (10:06:22 PM): UAHEuhaEuhaeuheauhae
Gabriel (10:06:28 PM): I’m going to have to watch it again to understand who is the killer
Tati (10:06:44 PM): GOD!

And that’s how it ended
C-ya next wednesday!