Archive for the Deathstalker Category

Deathstalker

Posted in Deathstalker on February 10, 2009 by Skuties

Well hello!

Are you ready for the crappy movie that was supposed to be serious of the week?

I, sure as hell wasn’t. Being a professional crappy movie watcher I was naïve enough to believe nothing else would shock me. Deathstalker did!

take a look:

Holy flying poop you guys, this one got like 2 rapes on our thing-o-mometer. I don’t even know how to start, because when it ended I really wanted to cry. Brace yourselves because this one is gonna hurt. Like rape, you know?

Here is what we think happened…
To get it out of the way, he doesn’t stalk death so that’s a pretty stupid name for a movie AND a character. Let’s get past that, shall we?

SOOOO, the movie begins with a bunch of Neanderthal zombies from the middle age, lurking around a guy, who is clearly trying to get some from a girl, that he probably stole somewhere? The zombies come and scare the hell out of him and he runs away. While the other zombies are chasing the guy, the smart one tries to get some from the girl. But I don’t think he is too smart and he gets nothing. Then he decides to carry her around showing off her butt.

Tati (9:38:44 PM): Good God in heaven! Tati (9:39:06 PM): Is he fighting zombies?
Gabriel (9:39:10 PM): yes
Tati (9:39:13 PM): ok Tati (9:39:30 PM): are they middle age Neanderthal zombies?
Gabriel (9:39:36 PM): hahahah they might be

Then a freaky He-man – a cross between Conan and Ben Stiller – appears and says “That’s my horse!” Then he runs after all the zombies and kills the first guy who probably stole the girl somewhere. Then he grinds his way to a tree with the girl that he just stole from the zombies and the dead guy and keeps doing nasty things to her.

As he was doing all kinds of things to the girl, this poor old guy is thrown into the scene and says “Your name!” and He-man goes “WHAT?” like: can’t you see I’m busy??? Then the old guy says “Tell me your name!” and He-man goes “OUTSIDE, wait me there”. HELLOO, you are in the forest you idiot, you ARE outside!

In the meantime the girl runs away and He-man closes the FANTASTIC opening scene by saying “This isn’t my day either” probably talking to me and my cousin, because that’s how we were feeling “This isn’t our day!”

Tati (9:40:59 PM): DUDE!
Gabriel (9:41:14 PM): auHEuheauheahu

The old guy takes He-man to another old guy and He-man keeps making fun of him while he eat some chicken and jokes about eating the old guy’s dog (whoever “dressed” the dog middle age style meant serious business by the way).

The other old guy is a king who got kicked out of his castle and now lives in the woods with a bunch of other old men. He tells He-man he wants him to invade the castle and kill the guy who stole it from him. He-man says “You need a fool” and the king says “No, I need a hero!” and that’s He-man’s reaction (I’M NOT KIDDING):

Deathstalker: Heroes and fools (long pause) are the same thing!

The king then tells him that they stole his daughter and He-man must save her. He-man doesn’t care and walks away. (I just wanna make a note here that during this scene the dog was changed at least 5 times).

And off we go to another scene. Now they show us that the king has a Chinese daughter and she is locked in the castle with a bunch of naked women.

Then we have this guy being dragged through the forest, until he hits a tree and that’s it for him. One of the guys who were dragging the guy around, yells at a witch. He wants the sword, but then she throws a snake at him and se seems to be having fun with it. He-man appears and chops some guys head off. The guy who was playing with the snake has an amulet and because of that he transforms into a pigeon or something. The witch shows He-man this pot full of smoke and tells him to go find the sword then the amulet and then one third thing and then he will have the 3 powers of creation. And off he goes.

Gabriel (9:46:57 PM): HEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD Tati (9:47:30 PM): Damn!
Gabriel (9:47:35 PM): mwuahahahah

When he is running through the forest looking for the sword, he obviously gets thirsty, when he tries to drink from a river the witch yells at him “Deathstalker! Your thirst is only for the powah!”

Here is he apologising to the river/witch:

I’m getting sick from talking about this movie, so I will speed up the story and I am sure it won’t make a difference.

He finds the sword; it was with this ugly guy in a cave that was being held by this giant ugly thing. He-man gets the sword, transforms into a child, the ugly guy falls into the water and He-man turns back into He-man.

They go together to the castle and find a guy with small clothes, then a naked girl with freaky boobs and a cape. They all go to the castle, they all fuck each other and a lot of other people.

Then they find a Pigman! A PIGMAN!

Then a guy turns into a girl and almost gets raped by He-man

Tati (10:39:49 PM): rape rape rape rape!
Tati (10:43:56 PM): *mixed feelings*

Gabriel (10:44:00 PM): rape!

After that they fight gladiator style for God only knows what reason.

The fake king convinces the guy with the small clothes to kill He-man, but He-man is a badass and kills him with a hug.

Gabriel (10:33:35 PM): creck! criii criii criiiiiiii
Tati (10:33:55 PM): /scene unrelated Tati (10:33:34 PM): ahhhhhhhhhhhhhahahahhhahahaha what is this girl????

Then He-man goes fight the Pigman Gladiator style and Pigman doesn’t make it.

Gabriel (10:35:10 PM): Oh no Pigman is going to die
Gabriel (10:35:16 PM): :,(
Tati (10:36:37 PM): foin

He finds the amulet and figures out that the third “powah” is the fake king’s cup. He fights the fake king, his sword turns into a Lightsaber. He gets the cup, the amulet and the sword together and gets the POWAH!

Gabriel (10:42:06 PM): is he a jedi?
Tati (10:42:39 PM): wow, what did he just cut?
Gabriel (10:42:57 PM): the can
Tati (10:43:13 PM): hahaha
Gabriel (10:37:03 PM): and the crowd roarrrrrrs
Tati (10:37:13 PM): moaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Gabriel (10:38:09 PM): da powah!

This is the final scene when a fake sword in flames (I assume) flies into the screen and guess what? THE END!

Tati (10:45:46 PM): he doooooes
Gabriel (10:45:53 PM): da powah!
Gabriel (10:46:04 PM): death stalker yeahhhhhhh
Tati (10:46:19 PM): sssssssssssssssssssssssss Tati (10:48:20 PM): nomnomnomnom Tati (10:48:56 PM): ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Gabriel (10:49:20 PM): grayskuuuuuuuuuuuuuul
Gabriel (10:49:28 PM): AEaEIjhiaEJiaEihaeihaeihaehiea
Tati (10:49:36 PM): *puke*

C-ya next Wednesday!

Note: I just found out there is a Deathstalker II

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