Archive for March, 2009

Brothers from different fathers

Posted in . on March 30, 2009 by Skuties

Mel: …or sisters from different mothers…

Tati: So you guys have been enjoying our crazy lists huh? Lots and lots of emails asking us to do more and more! Well, you know me. I’m a people pleaser. Mel also enjoys the art of pleasing humans, so here we go. Another list!

Mel: Although I’m best known for providing oral pleasure to both male and female humans at the same time even. Why just this weekend I made 5 Macaroni and Cheese & Glazed Doughnuts.

Tati: *sigh* Now I’m hungry…

Today we give you: people who never met their brothers and sisters because the milkman changed routes.

Mel: In my neighborhood it was the UPS man. For those unfamiliar with the Milkman Theory I suggest you check out The Amorous Milkman

Tati: Let’s begin with our multi-tasker: Bon Jovi. So far we’ve proved he is a Psycho-Killer and that he is turning into an old lesbian.

Now we will tell him -of course he reads the blog – that his dad was a Belgian milkman who wondered the States for a little while. If you ask me, I’ll tell you his dad was pretty hot, but for safety reasons, let’s stare at the family when they were still young and famous.

Mel: Well if we have a list, Bon Jovi has to be on it somewhere. I can picture his dad now. In some pub with a cold beer in his hand while people come up and say “Hey you look a bit like Bon Jovi!” While the drunk guy at the end of the bar slurs “No Van Dame it”

Tati: Brad’s mom also enjoyed some milk from Porto Rico. Little did she know that Hollywood would put an end to her lies!

Mel: You figure that’s why Angelina likes all her multi-cultural children? Because Brad is half Porto Rican? Or is she just another Mia Farrow – with her 15 kids? Either way I think this particular revelation disturbed me the most.

Tati: Next from our international Milkmen, we have the Irish Milkman who liked italo-american babes from Manhattan. Some people think Al Pacino looks like Robert Deniro, but Gabriel Byrne is his true brother!

Mel: OMG I have officially shat bricks. No really these two are twins separated at birth forget the whole international milk donations.

Tati: Well, this is not a case of lost Milkman. Sebastian Bach and Fernanda Lima are actually the same person. Whenever he is not on tour he goes back to Brazil to work as a model.

Mel: And I thought all the good transvestites were from Thailand or somewhere around there. Although, come to think of it…

Tati: Aww Sebastian is not a tranny. He is just natural I guess haha…

Tati: Oh man, this one is my favorite! Given the age difference I would say that Mr. Bean’s mom met Ritchie’s dad on a Milkmen conference in Pennsylvania in 1969.

Mel: Apparently both Bean & Ritchie`s dad used the “get her drunk enough” method of conception.

Tati: Here is another mistake people make. People think Bono is related to Robin Williams. But no, Bono is the older brother of Dunga, one of the worst Brazilian’s Soccer coaches in all Soccer history.

Mel: Actually…I read this book called The Boys from Brazil about Nazi doctors & Human Clones. I`m starting to think it is no coincidence there are so many Brazilians on this list. Also with a name like “Dung-a” what did you expect? …Not that Bono is any less retarded of a name, but at least it isn’t “Crapo”.

Tati: The Hollaback girls! This was a busy Milkman. But he did a good job. I can even see how it happened. After Brittany and Gwen were born, Milkman went away to travel around the world. He met Leighton’s mom in Jamaica.

“Meester’s parents, Connie and Doug, were involved in a drug ring that smuggled marijuana from Jamaica to the United States. Both were arrested for their involvement in the ring, and Connie was released on bail. While out, Connie became pregnant, and once she was convicted, she spent her pregnancy in a Texas state prison.” – That’s according to Wikipedia.

Mel: And if you read it on Wikipedia you know that it’s the truth. OMG. NO really, it really does say that.

Tati: Of course it does. Even if I wanted, I would not be able to make something like this up.

Tati: The reason you see 2 Iggys here is because it needed to be done. The picture in the middle looks like Anthony Kiedis a few years ago, proving my point even more. The Milkman who did this in 20 years intervals, came from Lithuania (Well not really but his parents did, so there!)

Mel: Okay! This Milkman who donated his milk was obviously physically attractive and hell maybe was even attractive period, but either he had the hots for retarded girls or he himself was mentally impaired. Proof that screwing may be indicative of someone attempting to tighten theirs or their selected partners back into place.

Tati: To me, this one works like a time line. I think in 5 more years Josh Todd will look like Denis Leary and in like 15 years or so he will look like his older brother Willem Dafoe. Every time I see Buckcherry live I imagine it’s Willen Dafoe singing. Makes me smile!

Mel: Which is your vehicle of time travel preference? The Delorian from Back to the Future, The telephone booth from Bill & Ted`s Excellent Adventure – or the simple Time Warp? Whatever you do remember to bring your own weapons because I’ve only ever done this once.

Tati: I prefer the Delorian, but Keanu is hotter, so I might trade hot for comfy… To be honest, I’d hit Josh Todd at any age, now that I’ve seen his future.

Tati: I don’t believe that they are different people. Winona needed a new career so she started again with a new name. She was smart pretending she came from London. But I guarantee there is no Milkman involved in this case.

Mel: You forgot that she looks so much like Natalie Portman she was cast as Padmés double. And I only now realized that it wasn’t all magic green screens & CGI. However, this whole Winona/Keira thing makes sense to me. How else is a girl supposed to sit on Johnny Depp’s & Orlando Bloom’s laps at the same time, while becoming one of Hollywood’s highest paid actresses.

Tati: Well duh! Why do you think Carmen Electra married Dave? This Milkman also works in 20 years intervals. That is a common practice amongst the Milkmen so there will be no suspicions. It works most of the time, but I am too smart for them. But I’m not judging you know? Just pointing that out…

Mel: 20 year difference? You know…it could be that instead of 20 year intervals Dave Navarro’s mom was a really big Prince fan.

Tati: Mel! Stop disturbing my logic!

Tati: Alright! This is another busy Milkman. He came from Brazil, then he went to the Uk and made Mrs. Idol one happy mom. Then to the US and made Mrs. Zombie Happy, then went back to Brazil to create Supla! AUUUUU PAPITO!

Mel: Okay, now there is no doubt about the fact that these dear boys had a cocky bad mouthed father who had an attitude (and maybe other things) bigger than he knew what to do with because seriously have you seen Supla’s mom? – Although if you look at his dad it proves the Milkman theory.

Tati: Well Supla’s mom does know about sex. And maybe she just didn’t age well *NOT*

Tati: This is the proof that the former Milkman was from Brazil. You see, Pedro de Lara was the older brother. He was born in Brazil, so yeah, I am right again.

Are you lost? Ok I’ll explain. Rob Zombie is Spider’s brother, that gives us 4 brothers! Pedro de Lara, Rob Zombie, Spider One, Billy Idol and Supla! WOW B-B-B-Busy!

Mel: Definitely bigger than he knew what to do with. Or rather didn’t know better than what to do with…wait Rob Zombie and Spider One can you imagine what their childhoods were like sitting there at the breakfast table? Sounds like a new sitcom to me!

Tati: Can you imagine the whole family together????

Tati: I’m not sure that this was the work of a Milkman. I think Zooey just didn’t want to mix her singing career with her acting career. It’s fine Zooey. I’ll keep your secret.

Mel: Great now I have “I kissed a girl” stuck in my head. There are worse things though. Although what is one to do if you kiss a girl and kinda like it? Hmmm Tati?

Tati: Well Mel, I guess that if you kinda like it, you kinda kiss her again!

Tati: HA! Last but not least: Seu Madruga A.K.A. Ramon Valdez and Dr. House! Awesome Milkman from Mexico who moved to the UK 30 years later. You are my hero Mexican Milkman!

Mel: In this case I prefer to believe it was the work of a time traveling milkman offering his own special brand of milk to sprinkle over the oat fields because otherwise I have to believe Seu Madruga is House’s father. Also House is Gordon Freeman.



This post is bananas!

Posted in . on March 27, 2009 by Skuties

Mel: Ok – Tati says that I have been punished enough…for now. After hours of digital organization & email cleaning, and litterbox sifting, and client whipping, I have gone bananas. Therefore this post is a list of 15 non-sexual banana related things you can do.

Tati: NON- sexual???? Oh man! I’ll pervert all your choices, just because I can!

Mel: Eat them Raw

I suggest peeling them first however.

Tati: THAT is the most sexual picture of all times! It’s so sexual it’s getting me horny. Look at this boy’s face, he is lo-lo-loving it!

Mel: Peel Bananas

For those that cannot get their monkey paws on real live bananas, never fear the electronic banana peeler is here!

Tati: Does it vibrate? ‘Cause it looks like it should!

Mel: Cook with Bananas

There are a variety of widely accepted “Common” recipes that use bananas as a main ingredient. One of my favorites is Banana Walnut bread, and one should never forget the King’s famous Fried Peanut butter and Banana Sandwich.

Tati: You see Mel, “Absolutely no exceptions”

My nerd friends know it well right? (don’t worry I’m proud of it too *wink* )

Mel: However we should not be limited by the mundane and instead should expand our world by trying: Banana Ketchup or by drinking Banana Beer.

Tati: Banana beer reminds me of banana “cachaça”. For those who are not hot Brazilians, I’m sorry for you guys, but my point is: “cachaça” is like tequila, but it’s made out of sugar cane and makes you barf faster. There are many types of “cachaça” and the only one that didn’t make me puke was the one made out of banana.

Mel: Do not forget to include necessary Banana Cooking Utensils such as the Banana Pepper Shaker


Mel: Banana Slicer

Tati: WOW that’s awesome! I have the apple/any rounded shape fruit slicer, but this one is just brilliant. I’m so buying it. (YES I’m lazy)

Mel: Banana Holder

or alternatively, the Banana Guard

Tati: Why would anyone need something like that? Oh! Ohhhhh, wait a minute. Of course! People need those because they don’t have one of these:


Mel: You can dress like a Banana:

Tati: Yes sure. As if you could go out dressed as a banana and not get some action! Bananas are hot! Every girl has a banana fetish, if you know what I mean!

Mel: Or you can wear the Bananas – while the traditional method of banana wear is typically on the head ala Carmen Miranda fruit salad hat, this should not limit the creative person who finds that it is not enough to simply dress like a banana but they must instead actually use the bananas themselves as clothing.

Tati: C’mon! Typically on the head??? Really??? I am not going to post a pic of where the Banana “typically” goes, because this is a respectable blog, but I am sure all our “sick-as-fuck” readers already have that pic engraved on their “sick-as-fuck” minds.

Mel: Aheeem! As I was saying…

Tati: OH-MY-GOD! I just peed myself! Mel I’m so proud of you! I’m speechless. All I can say is: crazy banana, crazy banana, crazy banana, crazy banana, crazy banana, crazy banana, I love you so much!

Mel: Cure Warts with a Banana – well actually the peel but you can cure warts by rubbing the inside of a banana peel on them every night. Should work in 3-14 days depending on the severity of the wart. Supposedly it works because there is a lot of potassium in the peel.

Tati: you know where else you can rub a banana peel?

Damn you guys, you are so filthy. What did you expect?

Mel: You can draw on them:

Tati: Or “eat” them


Mel: You can smell like one: Banana Essence can be purchased online. Here, a variety of studies that’s being conducted about the smell of sex/love/attraction and at least a few of them mention bananas. There of course is also mention of attracting bees and the fact mosquitoes like you more after you’ve eaten bananas, but just consider those cross species gift with purchase.

You can also smoke them – The government swears that smoking banana peels is only a placebo effect, but then again maybe that’s just what they WANT us to think. Right?

Tati: Hahaha you chickened out on posting the link? Fear no more little ones! I’ll do it: Here it is. Just a warning: If you are stupid enough to do it, don’t come crying to us telling we made you do it, because WE DIDN’T!

So if you do it, make sure you die of it, because you won’t enjoy my bad side when you are high on bananas.

Mel: Banana Jokes!

Knock Knock.

Who’s there?


Banana Who?

Knock Knock.

Who’s there?


Banana Who?

Knock Knock.

Who’s there?


Banana Who?

Knock Knock.

Who’s there?


Banana Who?

Knock Knock.

Who’s there?


Banana Who?

Knock Knock.

Who’s there?


Banana Who?

Knock Knock.

Who’s there?


Banana Who?

Knock Knock.

Who’s there?


Banana Who?

Knock Knock.

Who’s there?


Banana Who?

Who’s there?


Orange Who?

Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?

Tati: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!! OCD banana joke!!! I can’t say “I love you Mel” enough times…

Mel: Banana home decor:

Watch Banana Movies:

“Bananas”. I’m not a huge fan of Woody Allen, although I tend to like his earlier movies more than later ones.

I can appreciate them for what they are but I end up getting pissed that he is the stuttering, bumbling, idiot that ends up with the hot chick. And it reminds me too much that it’s like his life and the deal with his ex-wife and…ggrrrr….gross.

Tati: First of all: Woody Allen SUCKS!!! Wait, there’s nothing else. That’s it. Please carry on…

Mel: I prefer watching this:

Banana phone!

I seriously want one and a holster. I plan to put in an order in the near future. All interested parties should let me know, and we can have a giant Banana phone party when the box arrives. Maybe I’ll order two.

Tati: You can order one banana phone and one “hide the banana”. That will be a party Foh sure!

+ free furry cuffs!


You can sleep ON or WITH one:

Sing Songs about Bananas:

This video was more entertaining than the Madonna concert ones. So…I’m going bananas. It’s official now.

PS – Tati can we time share Travis? I’ll trade you Elvis for awhile who just chews on my toes and demands to use me as a mattress; you can poke him while I chew on Travis.

Tati: WAS THAT SO HARD???? All you needed to do was ask! You silly girl. Yes, we can share Travis. Elvis is easier to manage anyway and I miss squishing that fat excuse for a cat!

I will end this post with a picture that I found under “banana sex” on Google images (I’m not even kidding)

Old Lesbians…

Posted in . on March 23, 2009 by Skuties


Since Mel is still grounded because of her last stunt, the blog is all miiiiiiiiiine. And you know what that means right? Free stuff!

This is not an original idea but it’s always pleasant to make fun of old people before you become one.

Rock Stars that look like old lesbians!

I will give them stars to let you know who I think got closer to becoming an old lady.

Richie Sambora (from Bon Jovi) gets 5 stars for beating Bon Jovi when turning into a lesbian

Eric Martin (from Mr. Big) also gets 5 for looking like a lesbian trucker

Well, Alice Cooper is ready to have her baby apparently

Bon Jovi, you get 4 stars for being a sexy lesbian, but you are not all the way there yet

For those who don’t know, this is Reo Speedweagon. For those who knew that already, yes they are still alive and slowly turning into lesbians. The guy in the middle is almost fully morphed. The others with the X on their faces, won’t turn into anything I guess.

Ozzy got 4 stars for looking like a granny

Prince gets only 3 for looking like a weird feminist ( too trendy, too trendy)

Holy shit! That’s Peter Criss (from Kiss). He is fully morphed. That is as far as it gets when becoming an old Lesbian. I would totally accept him as my aunt. Wouldn’t ask questions.

Iggy Pop. That’s what will happen to your aunt if she doesn’t quit doing Meth.

Bret Michaels (from Poison) gets 5 stars for looking like a whore and Ricky Rocket (From Poison) gets 3 for being an ugly old lady

David Coverdale (From Whitesnake) gets 5 stars for being the happiest lesbian and looking like my old dentist (the one who killed the wrong tooth)

David Bowie will always get 5 stars, no matter what the ranking is for

This is Cinderella. I don’t know their names and I don’t care, but the guy with 5 stars looks like a hot lesbian to me, so he scores!

This is one of the Nelsons (from Nelson) I don’t know who is who since they are twins. I think 4 stars is fair. They are not that old so we don’t know if this one will be for good.

John Rzeznik (from Goo Goo Dolls). Man I used to think he was so hot. Now I think she is hot. 4 stars, because if I give you 5 I won’t have a chance with you.

Eddie Van Halen (From Van Halen). 3 stars because he looks like a crazy lady and a crazy old man. Got me confused…

Nick Rhodes (From Duran Duran) 4 stars, should have gotten 5 but I got distracted with Simon who will be HOT forever!

Awwwwww! Matt Sorum (Ex-Guns n Roses and ex-Velvet Revolver). He looks like a cute little girl. 5 stars for being a cute little girl at the age of 100! (this makes me smile, he is so happy!)

I HATE Lars Ulrich (from Metallica). 5 stars of hate for you, you stupid ugly tiny lesbian!

LA Guns, everyone. No I can’t tell them apart, they are all morphing into ugly lesbians, but the one on the back with no stars, will simply morph into one really ugly guy. Soon…

Steven Tyler (from Aerosmith) looks like a L.A. Granny, so 5 golden stars for you!

Lauri Ylönen (from the Rasmus). He got 5 stars even at this young age, because he can never turn into a man, so there. Full lesbian. BANG!

Steve-don’t stop believing-Perry (Ex-Journey) got 4 stars for looking like a hippie old aunt.

Steve Stevens (from Billy Idol). 4 stars for looking like a groupie’s mom. He also should have gotten 5, but I like him and it’s my stars!

Rod Stewart got only 3 stars because he is just a gay guy who looks like an old lady.

Last but not least, Vince Neil (from Motley Crue). 3 stars, but I believe he will get there. I will give him 2 more stars in no time!

Sebastian Bach (Ex-Skid Row) didn’t get any stars because he actually looks more like a boy than he did when he was a hot girl. who would have though!

Same thing with Mark Slaughter (from Slaughter). He manned up! He still looks gay, but he doesn’t look like a college girl anymore.

Since I can’t figure out if this is a boy or a girl, I will leave this one open. My guess is that this will turn into a hot girl. Already looks like a hot girl to me. This is Bill ( from Tokyo Hotel). People say it’s a he. I can’t decide…Oh well…

Still don’t know where the hell is Mel

Posted in . on March 20, 2009 by Skuties

Dammit Mel!!!

This is driving me insane. I miss Mel. I also miss Travis! It’s getting harder and harder without him in my closet. I’ve lost the will to poke. Yesterday I was watching house and Travis was there. He almost died because he was allergic to Gin & Tonic, more specifically the Tonic.

In the meantime, Mel is rocking out somewhere. I’ve decided that what Mel is doing is pure terror, she took Travis, my cool statue and left me here alone. And I don’t negotiate with terrorists. I’m not going to keep guessing where you are HA! I’ll keep this going, but just to see how far it can go. So c’mon, send me the next picture. I’m on stand by…

MEL!!!!! WHAT THE HELL????? Stop abusing Travis. Stop it RIGHT NOW! Oh my God, Travis you are such a whore. I’ll lock you in the closet and give you Gin & Tonic for a week. ARGH! And Mel, I’m calling your husband as we speak! Goddammit!!!

Awwwwwww….This cat better be coming back with Travis or I will never forgive you. Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww…. You know me too well. My anger is fading….fading….fading….DAMN! You win again, but I still want the Kittie.

Wow, that’s kinky! Are you at some twisted 80’s basement? Elvira looks like she just got busted. I think you should get out of there and leave them alone. Keep going, send me more pics, this is getting interesting.

I hope Travis is the 2 front legs. I don’t want him leaning on your butt or getting damaged in the butt. I watched Top Secret and I know what those cows are capable of.

Oh! This is Joanna!!! She cleans my house every week. She calls herself Great Joanna. She was here today and strange enough, she was wearing the same clothes… Are you around Mrs. Mel? Are you returning to me?

And that’s Frank!!! I know where you are. This is the gas station 2 streets down the road! Oh man!!! I can smell you and Travis already!!!!!!!

HEY! That’s my boyfriend and Jake, our next door neighbor. They JUST went outside dressed like this. You are on my backyard!!!!!

Going there right now, don’t move. And if they ask about Travis, tell them he is your brother or something. My boyfriend doesn’t know about him and he never asked why he can never open the closet, so I never told him.

Mel I coming to get you!!!!!

Where the hell is Mel?

Posted in . on March 17, 2009 by Skuties

Excuse my sober post on such a drunken day, but Mel went missing again! No, this time she wasn’t kidnapped.

Here is the deal: Everybody that knows me also knows that I don’t have normal friends, and Mel is no exception.

Yes, she is as crazy as my next friend. We always play mind games and more often than we like to admit, we hurt each other – not only our minds, we do that “1st one who loses an eye is out” thing that all normal friends do – So last week I was having a Friday the 13th party with Jason and Pam when I got a call from Mel. She said: “If you can’t find me I’m not coming back!” Then she sent me the first of several pictures and another message: “That’s what I see where I am, FIND ME!”

Oh well. Where the hell is Mel? I’ve been asking myself this question since that fatidic Friday. Let’s see those pictures again:

This is a statue of my ex-boyfriend eating another guy’s hand when we went to hell for Valentine’s Day. The Devil himself sculped that.

As any other normal girl, I still hate all my ex-boyfriends, but you gotta admit that this is a cool sculpture and it deserved to be stolen. So I stole this from my ex, right after I broke up with him and now it’s on my backyard. So I thought Mel was on my backyard. She wasn’t and she stole the statue! I hope it bites her!

Moving along, She sent me that one next. At first sight, one may think that this is my kitchen, since that is the place I keep my baby pickles, but look again. who on her right mind would paint the kitchen’s ceiling white and green? This is horrifying! And I would have noticed those guys standing on my kitchen, not to mention Mel.

Goddammit! Mel is messing with me now. This picture means only one thing: Mel has found the key that unlocks my secret closet, because that’s where I keep Travis. Awesome! I found her! She is in my closet poking Travis (because that’s why I keep him there). But NO! She wasn’t there and she also took Travis! I hope he bites her!

MMMMMMM….I know exactly where you were when you took this picture! That is the house next door. I know that because those are my neighbors Mark and Jake! They are cuties but they are a little weird. I went on a date with both of them last month and they were wearing those masks during the whole date. So now we are just good friends. I went there to find Mel, but I was late. They told me I had just missed her, they also told me she had a half naked guy carrying my ex-boyfriend’s statue around.

Now THAT, that is Natalie, the fire breather robot that is always by the train station. I ran over there as soon as I got the picture from Mel, but no surprise there, Mel had already left. I stayed though. I love watching Natalie spitting fire and freaking people out. She can’t talk or think or see, so I didn’t even try asking her about Mel, the statue or Travis.

That was the last pic I got from her. I was very upset when I saw that. She probably took the train to some kind of crazy fun place and I wasn’t there. Plus I had nobody to poke, since she took Travis =(

I have no idea where she is. I wish I knew! I wanted so bad to puke on that fairy’s wheel!


Where the hell is Mel????

(I’ll keep you guys posted)

Word association with Mel and Tati

Posted in . on March 10, 2009 by Skuties

Mel: I recently changed my cellphone ringtone (with some help) to the theme song from Piki and Poko. I’m sure its one of the Mondo mini shows that NO ONE remembers, people just remember Happy Tree Friends. I was missing Tati the other day and bought a Music Monkey with Cymbals that make noise when you push a button.

It’s cute and cheeky as every good monkey should be (doesn’t throw poop or smell its finger.)

Mel: Why do people make wine by stomping on the grapes? I’ve always wondered…I mean is all the wine I drink personally stepped on first?

Tati: probably. But most modern wineries have machines to do that now…

Mel: Machines with lady leg attachments that mechanically crush the grapes?

Tati:Yes! And from time to time the lady falls and the other robot legs make fun of her.

Mel: What I want to know is if the other girl went out there and fell on purpose too, or if she was just trying to get in good with Carmen because its easy to see why one would want to.

Tati: hahaha I think it was an accident but that’s why its good. Man I love Carmen Electra she is so hot, she can get away with this crap. That’s what I associate with her:

Mel: What is up with Carmen and weird men? She also married Dennis Rodman – and seriously I have a lot of respect for Prince since I know he is extremely musically talented even if what he releases is what sells. But seriously, reading through the Wikipedia on his life, and knowing the off stories about him that pop up here and there, and his Napoleon complex and his plastic surgery – I don’t know man, it freaks me out. That and he’s a Jehovah’s Witness.

Tati: All Geniuses are freaks…Prince is way more that I can take though, but more power to him.

Mel: I Love Kevin Smith. He’s great. I want to read his book (which will require me buying it first) and seriously that whole An Evening with Kevin Smith is gold. There is no point in posting them all but he’s worth it…so one more:

Tati: He was here in Toronto for another one of those but I missed, being broke and all…I’ll buy the DVD whenever it comes out. Tim Burton was one of my favorite directors until he forgot to stop doing the same movie over and over again, now I hate him. Tim Burton reminds me o Marilyn Mason for some reason.

He is very intelligent but not so intelligent when he wants dumb people to understand his cause and all. But I still like him.

Mel: He still freaks me out because I feel like he is trying to hard to be sensationalist sometimes, but then again maybe I’m not his target. Although the information about his marriage to Dita Von Teese is great (quoted from Wikipedia) “He had been a long time fan of Dita Von Teese, and was a member of her website…The wedding was officiated by surrealist film director and comic book writer…The bride wore a royal purple silk taffeta gown…a tri-corned hat…and a matching Mr. Pearl corset.” and about their later divorce“ “I get the impression he thinks I was unsupportive, but the truth is I wasn’t supportive of his lifestyle, and someone else came along who was.”Manson’s alcohol abuse and distant behavior were also cited as cause for the split. He is reportedly fighting for custody of the couple’s three cats” (He looks like Edward Scissor Hands in this Pic).

Tati: Yes, he won apparently and he is dating the girl from 13 (the movie), who is now 19! NIIIICE! Talking about freaky couples, this reminds me of them:

I love both of them but he is like 100 and she is less than 30. Their babies will be born with tattoos already…

Mel: Yeah, but she is like the female version of him. Maybe they’re too similar for it to ever work out, but they are both awesome, freaky and not for everyone, but definitely awesome. My thing with their tattoos is that there are so many they look like a magazine collage, but her stars are cool. But there are a lot of tattoos that are NOT cool – for example: Horrible Tattoos and Awful Tattoos.

Tati: I think it works for them. I think they are a nice couple. But nobody will ever beat Mr. Cool Ice for the worst tattoo ever.

Mel: Why would he…what was he…omg. Just – my brain is frying. How does one pick up “chicks” with a tattoo like that?! What girl would find that attractive or charming? I mean sure he can grow his hair out, and wear a long sleeved shirt…but you’ll always know its there, deep down underneath just waiting to be cool as ice.

Tati:There are always girls who will date Mr. Cool Ice guys. Girls date Kfed!!! If I had to choose I would go out with Mr. Cool Ice instead of Kfed any day.

Mel: You have a point. I too would choose the Ice over Popozão…

and you’re right the world is full of people that leave the rest of us going “what were they thinking?

Tati: Gatinha sai do chao vai descendo o popozao! FUCKING LOSER!

Tati: HAHAHAHAHA those are so aggressive!!!!! but whenever you need to understand stupid human behavior, you can always count on science to help you!

Mel: Brainiac has lots of enlightening science, and I like how I can say I’m researching something scientific while laughing my ass off. I also like the fact that scientifically speaking women have breasts in order to simulate a butt on their chests as we now walk upright and don’t flash our butts in their faces anymore. Here’s a test to see if YOU can: Crack or Cleavage?

Tati: I’m a mere mortal. Scored 4. Damn that was tough. Butt crack reminds me of cracked and cracked reminded me of the Nicholas Cage game Nicholas Cage game I agree 100% with that by the way.

Mel: HAHAHAHAHA I’d never considered or thought of that really – Although Adaptation was supreme trolling and great. We all know lolcats and cheeseburgers and failure, however I am often surprised how often the photo captions on the Pundits Kitchen crack me up. While not as good they are often much better than you would expect. Some of my favorites include:

and the related:

Tati: Damn Mel, how many times do I have to tell you that hippies eat babies? But I guess the 60’s got everyone right? Even Jesus…

nothing worst than a musical, only a musical filled with hippies.

Mel: it could be filled with nude hippies.

Tati: OH GOD NO!!!!! HAIRRY EW EW EW it is not the same guy but it’s his clone Ted McGinley this is the Dirty Hippie in Hair.

Mel: Really!? The Dr. from Everwood is the dirty hippie in Hair?! Really!? (and how does someone who isn’t a Stripper get named “Treat” oooh he’s such a Treat!). This is nearly as mind boggling to me as finding out that Mitzi from Priscilla Queen of the Desert is Mr. Smith

(the elf in LotR was not so surprising after Priscilla).

Tati: Well since you want to take this road, I’ll give you more visual trauma. Here is dirty dancing guy,Blade and John Leguizamo – well we expect that from him…

Mel: I watched that movie. On TV. But I watched it. I remember the interviews on Oprah about the Gender Benders and…yeah why hasn’t my head blocked that traumatic memory yet? John Leguizamo has had one messed up movie career. Seriously, looking over that list is like a suggestion list for Wednesdays – movies that think they are seriously but are actually ridiculous. Speaking of Wednesday movies, I have a suggestion for you: Blood Monkey!

And there you have it a conversation that begins and ends with Monkeys.

Tati: DAMN we are good!

In a funk means: I love JAPAN!

Posted in . on March 5, 2009 by Skuties

Tati: Today I’m having problems motivating myself (that’s why no movie of the week this week, we watched the best one so far but I didn’t feel like writing about it. It will be up next Wednesday).

Mel taught me that I’m “in a funk”. I think that is the coolest think I’ve ever heard. “I’m in a funk”. That should mean something else, like “Groovy baby!”

Mel: Funk – verb v. funked, funk•ing, funks : to shrink from undertaking or facing “depression, ill-humor,” 1743, probably originally Scottish and northern English, earlier as a verb, “panic, fail through panic,” (1737), said to be 17c. Oxford University slang, perhaps from Flem. fonck “perturbation, agitation, distress,” possibly related to O.Fr. funicle “wild, mad.” (Sounds like Fuck to me – wild mad agitation & distress) – In a Funk – (example provided by random internet person) grumpy and disengaged from life in general, lethargic with motivation in such low gear that it becomes barely noticeable. Spinning wheels going nowhere, and locked in place.

Tati: Then, following the randomness of my relationship with Mel, I decided to Google “I’m in a funk” and the results were all depressing. Since seeing depressing people is funnier than reading them, I decided to Google-image “I’m in a funk”. Best idea I’ve ever had! You know why? It took me to one of my favorite things. JAPAN!

Mel: From Funk to Funky in 1 easy step (and no I’m not talking about the smell) Ashes to Ashes – it’s more relevant than one would expect.

Tati: The image that did it was this one:

It was from a blog about a guy who was also in a funk and “just not feeling it”. He said he was posting some Pizzicato Five songs because Pizzicato Five makes him happy. All things JAPAN makes me happy – girls in marine uniforms and panties sniffing aside – and Pizzicato Five brings back some good memories from my teen years. Like this one:

Mel: I only count 3, where’s the cat, and the name is called Pizza cat Five? Do not let Elvis find out about this one, or he`ll complain. Yes she is skinny, the lyrics are great, the video hypnotizes and scares me at the same time. Much like most hypnosis I suspect.

Tati: Holy shit I love JAPAN!

Mel: Me too, I don’t care if it’s fashionable or not, don’t care. You hear me DO NOT CARE. Where else can you find things that are adorably cute, extremely disturbing, sickeningly bizarre, greatly confusing, all served with a huge dose of ritual. I prefer to embrace it.

Tati: This thing alone boosted my mood through the roof. I’m smiling like a clown now and downloading everything there is to download from them. I had their CD at some point but I have no idea what happened to it. And it gets better. The lyrics are just amazing:

sanjikan mo matte ita no yo
watashi neko to issho ni

sono toki denwa no beru ga

watashi neko mitai ni shabetta

terebi no volume sagete

watashi uso mitai na koe de

twiggy no mini skirt de

twiggy mitai na pose de

twiggy no mini skirt de

twiggy mitai ni yassepochi no watashi

now in English:

I was waiting for about three hours

My cat and I

At the time the phone rang

And I chatted away just like my cat

I turned down the TV and

Talked in a fake voice

In a Twiggy mini-skirt

In a Twiggy-like pose

In a Twiggy mini-skirt

Skinny like Twiggy, that’s me

And she IS skinny like a twiggy! Fuck yeah man now I’m in a fucking GREAT mood! So let’s talk JAPAN!

Mel: Wait…like Twiggy I get but what does that have to do with chatting away like her cat? Oh yeah. First rule of Japan – don’t try to understand it. Just go with it.

Tati: But before that a quick detour. I was just checking all my friends “status” at Gtalk/MSN and you guys are also boosting my mood. I’ll quote the status here, no particular order:

“Don’t dodge, counter”

“Me speak good ingliss”

“I love the smell of whiskey in the morning”

“Fraciscan whorewood”

“Life is tough. It’s tougher when you are stupid”

“Still amazing…It’s hard to be humble”

and of course ALWAYS amusing Mel’s status:

“…designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating”

Mel: Here I’ll share some from my list:

“Keep calling – Eventually at least Nature will Answer”

“Sane, and therefore a little bit crazy”

“If you’re happy and you know it clap your hands…..*cri cri cri*”

“No one gets out of life alive”

Tati: We should post those more often.

OK! Back to Japan… Also searching the interwebs, I found this Japanese vending machine:

How do you pick up your “prize”? I can see they have this “grabber” there and you probably throw it somewhere after grabbing it, but then how do you actually pick it up? I understand lobsters can be kinda dangerous. The Interwebs told me that: “The main danger from lobsters is from their claws. The claws of lobsters are very powerful, and can easily break a finger or even an arm if you are handling a large lobster.”

Now those lobsters are floating there in that machine probably bored and pissed off. If I was one of those raging lobsters, the first think I would want to do is break some fingers. FOH SURE! And that’s the perfect set up too, because you have to put your hand in that whole to pick up your “prize”.

Mel: Ready for the irony? You have to get your lobster with a CLAW! Just like those “games” with the stuffed animals and candy? Although, I think Japan offers many great vending options Unique Vending Machines of Japan For Example: Eggs, Flowers, Hot Popcorn, Flight Insurance, Beer, Dry Ice.

Tati: Another thing I love about JAPAN is that they have no boundaries whatsoever. They will do whatever they want in public, make a TV show about it and spread it through the world. They just don’t care and I take that they don’t judge either. We all think Japanese people are crazy. They are not, they just do what we all want to do but feel guilty about doing it. And they are proud of it! And I support the cause YEAH!

Mel: Ironic coming from such a “repressed” society.

Tati: Yeah, let’s not get there. As we know, people are just plain stupid. This one is my favorite person in JAPAN. He brings joy to the people. If you watch the whole thing I am sure it will lift your spirit. I love how people don’t care about what others are thinking and they take pictures and dance along with him.

Here is more of him:

He’s name is Danny Choo and he is one of my heroes you can check out his awesome blog about Japan and good vibes here.

JAPAN also has amazing workout programs:

Mel: Ohhh yes, One of my favorites is the Ex-fat girl made for the 2004 Olympics….why?

Tati: WOW!

Am I the only one here learning the whole choreography? I doubt it!

Mel: Japan has a cool tradition of every morning doing “radio exercises” supposedly started after WWII to create a sense of “unity” and to help encourage good Health. Every morning, companies and schools prefer morning exercises, but communities and neighborhoods also get together and do them as well. When I lived in Japan they would be broadcast over a loudspeaker for the whole neighborhood.

Tati: They had more on YouTube but I can’t find them anymore. If you are really interested on improving your English and your health, you can search for “Zuiikin English”.

Mel: Don’t forget about Maritan and learning to speak English like a Marine!! (Complete with audio tracks)

Tati: And what about Japanese kids? They are so cute and bad ass!

Take this kid here, he didn’t even flinch! If I was standing there I would have pissed my pants (in my current age, yes). That’s freaky man! FREAKY!

Mel: What is freaky is a culture so obsessed with robots that, that video is probably tame. Realistic Womanbot

Tati: CREE-PEEE. But even better is what the Japanese parents do to their kids:

I can’t wait to have kids and invite a bunch of their friends and make them race in all sorts of funny ways. And believe me I’ll do it!

Mel: I have no doubt.

Tati: HAHAHA “horrific blood sport”.

And of course, we can’t talk about JAPAN without thinking of sushi.

Mel: I so want to buy the little plastic versions of the food that they display in restaurant windows so you can “see” what you are ordering instead of looking at a menu.

Iwasaki sells it, but I think I need to find a closer supplier or better – just go to Japan!

Tati: Japanese people are so cool they make fun of you and you don’t even notice. And by you I mean everybody else who is not Japanese. Here is their superior way of telling you that you are stupid:

Also this:

And to wrap it up and prove once more that JAPAN is made of love and superior beings, the ultimate JAPAN cool thing:

Bentō !!!! Aside from being cute they are part of JAPAN’s tradition. You can check some of Bentō history on this link and see some super cute ones on my favourite Bentō website.

I will leave you with some funny random Japanese…to be honest I don’t know what these are. ENJOY!

Mel: That makes me think of Nato. One of the more disgusting/disturbing things from Japan on my list, apparently an aquired taste – Tati seemed to approved of rotten beans.

Tati: YEAH, right…thanks for the headache again Vivis!