Archive for December, 2008

Happy Holidays!

Posted in . on December 22, 2008 by Skuties

(People and their “free time”)

There will be a change on the rhythm of our postings throughout the holiday season. We are all going to spend the holidays in Saturn, because after all, it is the most fun of all planets.

I will be drinking lots of Milk Whiskeys hanging from the rings, but Mel, who hates the nightlife on Saturn (because of all the weird, hairless boys), might just feel bored enough to post something, but I will try to keep her busy. Elvis and Agnes are coming with us this year. YAY!

Weird hairless Saturn boy on the streets of Saturn Last X-mas trip

If you miss us too much, email us and we will do nothing about it until we come back. I promise!

Hope you all have an SUPER FUN Holiday Season!

Kick ass good vibes from the Skuties’ Crew.


X-mas Shopping with 2 grown-up kids: Part II

Posted in bath, bubbles, monkeys, travel, video game, wish list, x-mas on December 18, 2008 by Skuties

Tati: Before the actual post, I’d like to apologize for the delay of this one. I have, of course, a very good reason!

Mel and Gabes gave me the Matrix Box for x-mas and it arrived earlier than they expected. I am a super Matrix fan, like the Star Wars fans, but I’m cooler, you know.

So, anyway! I have been watching it nonstop with all commentaries and all everything I can like 10 times each and I didn’t have the will power to stop it and post. As I speak right now, I am listening to the second set of commentaries on the Matrix Revolutions (I don’t have to watch it anymore, it’s engraved on my brain). THANK YOU GUYS! I love it! (yes there will be a Matrix post at some point)

Mel: Ok – so I just got back from a surreal experience made all the more dizzy by a caipirinha that was really amazing – it had a special name but basically the Cachaça is made with cinnamon, honey & guaraná powder and is served with lime and ginger. It was great, except for the fact that Gabriel and I ordered it with dessert and after drinking 1/3 of it on a full stomach we were both getting dizzy if we moved our heads. Gabriel more so than I but yeah, so apparently its like 38% alcohol or something so this post will be buzzed and Tati will have to unbuzz it or something like that…whatever.

Tati: Yeah Tati Unbuzzed it! This was hard this time, took me 3 hours (about 1 and ½ Matrix).

Mel: It was surreal because it was a Mato Grosso do Sul restaurant where I had Okinawa Soba Noodles, Tubaína (very old and freaky soda) and Refrigerante de Terereré – which is basically Tea Soda. It was green and weird but somehow tasty, although I don’t know if I’ll sign up to drink it on a regular basis, but I can see how it grows on you.

Tati: literally?

Mel: Throughout dinner a table half full of American college students and half Brazilian discussed a variety of familiarly insane subjects such as the difference in pronunciation between coconut and crap in Portuguese.

Tati: cocnut = côco – crap = cocô. If you loose control of your accents in Brazil you can end up eating crap!

Mel: They also serenaded us with their rendition of “Hit Me Baby One More Time” including falls to the floor in the end. There may have been cachaça involved. So forgive this post as it may make less sense than usual…or maybe it will make more. Creepy.

Tati: I got your back girl!

Mel: So, back to our list:


Chimp Family

Mel: In case your building doesn’t allow pet monkeys you can get this alternative – what makes them different is you can buy the whole family, avoiding unnecessary separation anxiety in your plush pals.

Solar Power Monkey

Mel: I cant think of reason why you need one, except…why not?

Tati: I can think of a big fat WHAT THE FUCK!

Barrel of Monkeys

Mel: The adult version. I loved this game as a kid, maybe because I love the idea of a barrel of monkeys, how do you do that anyway, is there a banana slot?

Tati: Monkeys are awesome! This also tells us how awesome is Japanese TV:

Mon – KEYS get it?

Mel: They are cute and maybe you need a lower priced item on your list.

Tati: You can get the “Skulls” too.

Pet Monkeys

Mel: for the dedicated fans of peanut butter, banana yogurt & poo.


Candy bubbles

Mel: While the flavors can be sickening after awhile and the bubbles are more fragile, no party is complete without them. Be prepared to see people running around with their tongues hanging out. Modern bobbing for apples.

Tati: That scene just need some alcohol to be perfect. Drunk grown-ups running around trying to catch bubbles!

Scented bubbles

Mel: while there are cooler packages for these bubbles that come in ice cream cone shaped bottles for kids (which are also welcome don’t get me wrong) I love the idea of “Freshening” the house while blowing bubbles. “What are you doing?” “Oh nothing, just spraying some air freshener the fun way” how cool.

Tati: Having cats in the house should make it even more fun.


Mel: They aren’t for sale yet through the web, but they SHOULD be and when they are they will make great stocking stuffer for EVERYONE.

Tati: if you look at the movie, not one single kid was able to blow the bubbles. That shows that kids have no business trying to play with grown-up kid’s stuff!


Mel: Human Hamster Ball – okay so technically not a REAL bubble – it still counts because come on- I need two of these then we can race across the swimming pool and roll around until we’re dizzy.

Tati: Or to go to work!

Bubble Scrub

Mel: A mathematician once told me that the key to understanding the universe is understanding soap bubbles and I look to fit bubble blowing into any possible activity. This makes dish washing that much more fun, of course I would probably just use this in the shower instead, but STILL tons of fun.

Tati: There is also this one. I love the think of putting a girl’s smiley head into the toilet!

“6 Honorable Mention”

Mel: *cough* Only the refined collector has this on his shelf.

Tati: *puke* As you can see I’m not one of the refined.


Mega Drive Bag

Mel: There are a lot of video game purses around, but this one fits my Xbox 360 and is black and therefore goes with anything….right? also can be unisex.

Tati: No it can’t! Boys, NO PURSES!

8-bit Tie

Mel: Because I think Ties are silly anyway – unless worn with black suits or tuxedos and then they go with the whole package and are just sexy. Seriously guys – if you want to play dress up girls in French maid costumes, school girls, nuns, strippers – this is one for the gals – guys in tuxes. Do not wear this tie with a tux though.

Tati: I prove here, with my major Fireworks’ skills, that you can wear a tie with a tux and without it!



Mel: Okay so it’s not really video game related but somehow in my head a horse ride simulator is some sort of game but with the alcohol sloshing in my veins I can only think of naughty ones.

Tati: Yeah like Wii naked horse ride? But on that matter, I would rather get the Hawaii Chair


Mel: more expensive than a hot tub but smaller and easier to find a spot for. Should be considered a cat toy because I bet mine would love it.

Donkey Kong Jenga

Mel: I was highly disappointed with the Truth or Dare Jenga, I liked the concept but crappy execution on the dares AND the questions. The dares I can understand, but the questions were ALSO ridiculous. I am hoping this version will save the day for Jenga alternatives. It looks cool enough to do it though.

Tati: I could never see the magic of Jenga. It is boring and noisy, and not PMS friendly AT ALL. Not to mention that Jenga rhymes with Benga!


Luv Duck

Mel: because…

Tati: Errrr, Mel, this isn’t a… mmm never mind, go ahead and get one. I think I would be more conservative about vibrating things in the bath tub. Of all things that vibrate, one that I don’t wanna have in the tub is a duck, if you know what I mean. (the fact that this is water proof – hopefully – is interesting though).

Caffeine soap

Mel: They say it works, I like peppermint myself, but there are some mornings I’d be willing to give anything a try.

Tati: Maybe the Luv Duck will help.

Portable Spa

Mel: ironically at its lowered price more affordable than a real one for me. Come on wouldn’t it be fun to have a Hot tub party and not have to actually INSTALL a hot tub? here are other larger versions.

Tati: That’s got to be one of the ugliest tubs I’ve ever seen.

Mel: I so need a hot tub in my home, it was getting to the point that if I wasn’t afraid of the water, I was going to go to a Motel for an hour or two just for the hot tub, but again – afraid of the water in those places.

Tati: You should be afraid of everything in those places. I HATE Motels, Glad they don’t have that kinda crap here in Toronto (I don’t want to know if they have, thank you). Don’t be cheap, go to a HOTEL at least you can spend the night.

Hope in a Jar

Mel: I like the Philosophy behind the Philosophy products – the names and concoctions tickle my fancy and pamper my soul – and skin 😀 but here, have some Hope in a Jar. or some “Milk & Cookies”. Or some “Cupcakes”.

Tati: Well, we all know what happens when you put food scented/shaped products close to me. For those who don’t know, I eat them. Most memorable one was the “Dulce de leche” body cream at the lingerie store.


Dream Sack

Mel: While the name is a bit odd – I bet this would be great on a plane, and lets be honest having to stay at a few of the sketchier hotels in the world, this would come in handy. While I am not the type to travel with my own pillow, I do travel with my own blanket. Call me Linus, but this looks like it would be nice.

Tati: Well Linus, visiting all those links to add it here, makes Amazon VERY confused about my personal taste. All sorts of wacky things are being suggested there based on the products “I like”.

Tourist remover

Mel: Too bad it doesn’t work on the tourists themselves…but then, if that were the case, it would be removing me too I suppose.

Tati: WHAT?! That’s exactly what it does, it removes the tourists and it’s pointless. If you have to take several pictures and then it will “blend” it and remove the tourists, well just stay there and wait for people and cars to get out of the way and take your picture. And it’s not even a gift, it’s free! BAH you are drunk, why am I even trying?

Steripen water sterilizer

Mel: This is useful and probably something you will never have with you when you actually need it. But in a master batman belt of amazing gizmos and gadgets this probably has a pocket somewhere.

Tati: This looks so fake, call me dumb, but really? Looks like a Light saber in a glass.

There is this one too, “It really sucks” HA!

The Moisturizing Gloves And Booties

Mel: (booties? really? not socks?)

Tati: Moisturizing boobies!

Mel: Looks weird and from the socks I’ve tried. FEELS weird, but actually work, and what with planes totally zapping the moisture from your skin, and making everything swell anyway – these are great. Obviously not just for use with travel, more of a spa deal but I like to switch things up.

Tati: I saw somewhere that Posh Spice sleeps with those every night. Can you imagine how a hand job sounds like with these? *splosh* *splosh* *splosh*


Cat Camera

Mel: If I ever put one of these on Sinatra (the other cat), I would only ever see the inside of the sofa, but it would be cool to see where Elvis sleeps. And I know some twitchy kitties that should own one. Not to mention Tux the neighborhood tomcat that sleeps all over the neighborhood, accepting warm beds and cuddles and offerings of sushi. Do they make these for people? I want one too…

Tati: This must weight a ton. Super comfy. I’ll bet Elvis will bite your ass and video tape it!

Pod Bed

Mel: Elvis would probably choose to sleep UNDER this just to spite me, but then he liked sleeping in his scratching post tube for awhile. So maybe with the momma cat lining in this pod he would stop sleeping on my chair.

Tati: Not a chance! Where is the fun if he can’t stick his hair on your clothes?

Cat Skull T-shirt.

Mel: While I would not advise trying to fit most cats into a T-shirt as claws, loss of eyes and bodily harm are standard procedure, Elvis is usually pretty cool about it, unless it gets in the way of his elbows.


“Stylish Cat Scratcher”

Mel: Something that will make ME happy and Elvis too – me because it isn’t a piece of cardboard abstract art designed by a high-schooler that gets shredded in 5 minutes, and is instead something that actually looks like it’s supposed to be there permanently. Not only that, but how cool is the lounging shelf. Elvis would definitely approve.

Tati: your couch would approve it too.

Cat Domination System

Mel: Ideally Elvis would like me to install a cat domination system in my house. This is one that is stylish and cool and not as crazy as the Cat house, but in a similar vein of thought. I like the crazy of the cat house but I think my eyes would get tired and I would get tired of dusting it. I have high ceilings. Elvis is currently looking for architecture students to volunteer to make him a masterpiece. Volunteers apply here:

Tati: This is super cool, Elvis or no Elvis. I would love my house to look like that!

Stay tuned for the final part of our stupid wish list nest Tuesday (I promise It will be there on time). Until then, you can be a darling and start buying me stuff and making “this list” smaller.

X-mas Shopping with 2 grown-up kids: Part I

Posted in chairs, cooking, hippies, kitchen, photography, shopping, wish list, x-mas on December 12, 2008 by Skuties

Mel: So with the Christmas basically taking off its coat and dripping water in the front hallway I thought I would start making a list of possible gifts. Granted Tati has a permanent delicious wish list, but I have made this one without consulting hers. This is Part I from the mundane to the insane here goes:


Spy Camera

Mel: There are a variety of them on the market, and they all make me nervous, but we can all think of SOMETHING fun to do with one.

Tati: Always my beloved Mel, always!

Bottle Cap Tripod

Mel: “This little Bottle Cap Tripod slides onto the vast majority of national and international water caps, the universal adapter fits onto pretty much every camera and the little hinge allows the little baby to swivel gently.” – I never have a tripod when I need one, although quite frankly, more than a tripod I just need a steady hand…and some photography lessons.

Tati: This is a revolution! You have no idea how hard it is to balance my camera on stuff when I want to take a picture. I guess I could have bought a tripod, but that would take the fun out of blurry pictures.

Gorilla Pod

Mel: I have one of these…somewhere…and while I knew where it was, it was awesome.

The Desktop Photo Studio

Mel: This complete desktop photo studio provides clean backgrounds and optimal lighting, allowing you to create studio-quality shots using your own camera.” – I wonder if my cats would fit in that…I wonder if they would STAY in it.

Tati: Mel! Pay ME 80 bucks and I can make you a paper box with 2 flashlights.

USB Camera Cord

Mel: The strap has a small sliding compartment that hides compact USB type ‘A’ and USB mini type ‘B’ (5-pin) connectors and the cable is easily long enough to connect to a USB port on your PC.” – Seems like a cool idea to me!

Tati: Errrrrrr Amazon, I don’t get it!


Pacman Messenger Bag

Mel: around US $50.00 – While I was never spectacular at pacman it is roots. In my head it goes up there with Donkey Kong and Pong despite knowing the differences. I am looking for a replacement “briefcase” for when I need to go to the Cyber Cafés for product testing, but have been unable to find a cool and lightweight replacement for the current, too heavy, leather respectable black one. Maybe this one would work.

Tati: Well now that you have a tiny computer, you don’t need it anymore, you can fit it in your wallet : P

Crime Scene Scarf

Mel: Although I suppose this will just be considered a “Fashion Crime Scene” (click here)it still makes me smile and is sure to apply to more than one criminal in your lives be it a heart taker or rule breaker.

Tati: Are you sure you haven’t looked on my delicious wish list?

Official Indiana Jones Hat

Mel: We can all hear the theme song playing now – buy a whip and instant fun for everyone. Pity Harrison Ford is not included.

Tati: Oh yeah Indy, whip me baby!!!

T-shirt Hell

Mel: There is sure to be at least 1 if not 5 shirts for your loved ones here – I need the “I should be in the Kitchen”.T-shirt

Tati: You SHOULD be in the kitchen, but for all the wrong reasons hehe!


Flesh Eating Zombies

Mel: Now come on, admit it, when have you not wanted a troupe of the undead. Not only are these Flesh Eating Zombies the answer to all our nightmares, they even glow in the dark, as every self-respecting flesh eating zombie should. This charming set of nine figures, complete with missing limbs, souls and a complete lack of social niceties, have been lovingly fashioned from the finest plastic by highly trained plastic fashioners. Handless, legless, armless, and obviously pointless, the undead are undoubtedly where it’s at (or isn’t in their case), and no home or office is quite complete without its own congregation of carnivorous cadavers.” – There are just so many practical applications for these that it boggles the mind how anyone could not want some – of course you could get your B Movie Victims and have a complete set.

Walking Zombie Hand

Tati: I’m going to need one of those to go with my new cat. So many possibilities!

Brains 4 Zombies

Mel: The best location for gifts for the Zombie in your life I personally recommend the Celebrity Brains.

Tati: I’ll take the Rob Zombie’s Brain (click here)

Zombie Portraits

Mel: The Gift that keeps on living – for the personalized gift under the tree.

Zombie Pin-up Calendar

Mel: “This 13 month calendar is stuffed with more dead sexy girls than you can fit in a shallow grave. We dug up the idea of the vintage 1950’s pin-up and hit it over the head with a shovel. Let yourself get infected by these bloody gore-geous women who are just dying to get under your skin.” – What`s not to love?


Rocking Chair

Mel: There is something soothing about a rocking chair. Perhaps it is the movement that reminds us of the slosh of the womb or it makes the tides in our cells come and go, but rocking is a universal thing that even Phenomenon (that horrible John Travolta movie) tried to explain & ironically that vague explanation was the only thing that saved the movie for me (that and watching Gabriel cringe at the Portuguese). What I like about this one is – it folds up and tucks away for when you need it.

Tati: I like rocking chairs because they make me dizzy, like when I’m drunk : D

Exercise Ball Chair

Mel: I have so many issues with chairs, but this one looks like fun – not recommended for people with cats, dogs, little kids, or sharp objects.

Tati: This one is the laziest exercise ball you can get. The whole point of the ball is that you need your muscles to stop it from rolling isn’t it? Should I blame the American’s race for that one?

Massage Chair

Mel: I’m actually a little afraid of these things, but hey I bet once you get in one, even if you can never get out, it is super comfy.

Tati: NO! Those are SUPER not comfy, they are actually very painful and you CAN’T get out of them, because the thing holds on to your legs and arms, and it hurts! It also has those rolling things inside that go up and down grinding your spine (Yes I’ve tried). Just look at the thing, does it look comfy? Took two guys to get me out of this horrible, horrible evil stupid chair!

Sky Chair

Mel: Gabriel bought me one of these, I have yet to hang it, but have sat in one multiple times – kind of a modern hammock, they are wonderful – but I love swings maybe because they are like rocking chairs, but whatever J still cool.

It’s a hippie chair, nothing good comes from hippies. Gabe, you should know better!

Cool Chairs

Mel: If none of those tickle your fancy, check out these for awesome chair effects – although I wonder about the comfort level of some of those O.o

Tati: I want this one, thank you very much!


Herb Scissors

Mel: “Snip the herbs you need quickly, neatly and right where you want with our Herb Scissors. The unusual blade design features a set of five, sharp 3-in. stainless steel blades that allow you to cut, chop, or mince herbs directly into a pan or over a plate for garnishing.” – Another tool used occasionally for the drawer of magic cooking wands and witch’s brewing tools.

Tati: A-A-A-A-Awesooome!

Onion Goggles

Mel: “Finally, a tear-free solution for chopping onions! These goggles have fog-free clear lenses and a foam seal that protects the eyes from irritating onion vapors. Pink frames in unisex design. Fits most face shapes.” – While I don`t need onion googles as I am rarely effected by their sorrow inducing fumes, there are others I know that could use them. Perhaps I should have some hanging on a shelf with the aprons, kind of like a mad scientists laboratory complete with safety goggles and lab coats.

Tati: I just saw this one the other day and I had to take a picture!

Mini Doughnut Maker

Mel: “The Dough-Nu-Matic automatically forms, fries and drains delicious mini-doughnuts in under 60 seconds.” – While no one reaaaaallllyyyy needs one of these, you have to admit that if the thing actually works and doesn`t cover you in scalding oil and pop out soggy undercooked dough blobs…it could be fun.

Tati: Bite size doughnuts, this is VERY dangerous!

Cafeteria Trays

Mel:”It will remind you of school lunch days!” – These are great for barbecues and other fun themed parties – or for those picky eaters where nothing can touch.

Tati: Picky eaters don’t deserve to live (yes, it’s that time of the month, leave me alone!)

Ultimate Bacon Lovers Gift Guide

Mel: Includes home décor, & accessories for even more fantastic gift ideas – too many to link to, check it out on your own, I want some bacon pillows.

Tati: And I leave you with the perfect soundtrack to go X-mas shopping online!

My hero!

Posted in Fun, he-man, Jeff Scott Soto, Jimi Jamison, Motley Screw, Sandro Bongiovi, Stupid Kyle on December 9, 2008 by Skuties

He is the king! THE KING!

I don’t even know how to start this one. There are so many things to talk about, this is one of my favorite subjects and if you know me, that means I made you go see him at Manifesto with me!

Guys, I give you:

Sandro Bongiovi

Got it? Bon Jovi! Yeah he has the most notorious Bon Jovi cover band in the world. No matter what you say to me, you won’t convince me otherwise. Not to mention his Poison cover band and OF COURSE his Mötley Crüe Cover Band. And why am I talking about him? Because the world has got to know about him! Enough is enough people!

Last Saturday for the first time in a long time, I missed one of his fantastic shows at Manifesto Bar. (ok I’m lying, I’ve missed a lot of his shows)

But seriously, this guy believes more in Bon Jovi, than Bon Jovi himself. And he is highly entertaining, a lot more than bon jovi. If you live in São Paulo, Brazil, and for some stupid reason you have never been to Manifesto Bar to see Sandro with ANY of his bands, DO IT! It is SUPER fun, cheap beer, sleazy girls and Hard Rock! (Sorry girls, only ugly boys there but hey: cheap beer!)

It’s like that place is locked in the 80’s. Like another dimension. Last time I went there before moving here, me and one of my best friends ended up watching Jimi Jamison, former Survivor, singing Eye Of The Tiger, now top that! They did, they got Jimi Jamison AND Jeff Scott Soto singing Burning Heart in the end (Have I mentioned I love Stallone’s Movies? Did I have too?). That was easily one of the nights that I had the most fun. Of course, being with my friend there and laughing our asses off helped a lot! But I will talk more about Manifesto some other day, today it’s all about my hero: Sandro!

I’ve heard a lot of stuff about him, that he is a jerk, that he is a nice guy, people hate him, people love him. I think people just don’t have a sense of humor. Here we have this guy that being good or not at what he does, loves music, loves Bon Jovi and loves what he does. He is happier than most of us, how many of you can say you love your job? Plus, he gets to travel through the country with a lot of crazy people yelling at him and having fun, fun, fun…

Personally I don’t care Sandro, you can be a jerk or whatever you wanna be, because all you did for me was give me years and years of laughter!

I think you should quit your Bon Jovi cover though, because you as Vince Neil is a lot more convincing and Bon Jovi sucks anyway. (don’t hate me, hate him!)

SOOOOO, fortunately I have a bunch of kick ass friends in Brazil and one of them, Vili, was kind enough to go to “Motley Screw” concert last Saturday (as if I needed to ask HAHA) and make some videos and take some pictures for me so I could share it with the world!

Here you have it kids, Motley Screw!

I’m laughing of you laughing!

Vili, who’s the even smaller guy on the back?

Shake it!

too many options!

I almost forgot Tommy Lee here

Rock Star!

And here some stuff from his Bon Jovi Band:

And the crowd goes craaaaaaazy – AUUUUUUUUUUU

Who will be the first to send me a DVD? For real guys, it’s not like they will deliver it here.

And for those of who think things should be perfect to be good, you are missing out and you deserve a hammer in the head…

just like stupid Kyle!

Special Drunk Sunday Post!

Posted in beer on December 7, 2008 by Skuties

We never update this on Sundays but I feel like I have to do it after the spiritual experience I just had!

I was SUPER bored at home, and the Sun was shining, despite of the -9C° outside (Americans, go find an online converter), and I felt bad about not going out. So, I was out! Cutting cold wind and stupid Sun on my eyes (my look didn’t match sunglasses, so I left them at home) let’s see what the day will bring me.

I’m walking down the harbor and trying to figure out if I should walk downtown or just by the lake, feeling guilty I don’t have as many “tourist” pictures as I should (Thanks a lot Christian!). As I turned off my ipod and heard Bon Jovi coming out of somewhere, REALY loud! WHERE IS IT COMING FROM????

I searched around but I couldn’t figure out where it was coming from. I knew there was a Dolphins vs Buffalo Game at Roger’s Centre, but the music was not coming from there. WHERE IS IT COMING FROM????

So I keep walking towards Rogers Centre and BANG! The Steam Whistle! Yes folks, Miss Tati lives right by a brewery! God loves me! So as I approached Steam Whistle what do I see?


sorry about the quality, but you can get my point, right?

I mean, Girls. Girls Girls coming out of a place that makes beer is just too good to be true. So as I walked towards it, completely hypnotized , the security guy at the door calls me and say, “over here sweetie!”. C’mon, you don’t mess with the Gods! If they put a brewery playing Mötley Crüe 2 minutes away from your home, the least you can do is get in when a nice and warm security guy tells you to! And of course, I did!

As I got in there (for free beer by the way) that’s what I saw:

and that’s what I saw in the bathroom!

Call her Jesus!

Can it get any better? I don’t think so. A bunch of hot beer drinking guys having fun, listening to Rock’ n Roll with free beer and free meat! Somebody pinch me, ‘cause I think I’m in heaven!
Don’t you get it? I’ll explain: Hot guys + Beer + meat + Rock = Heaven! Easy like that.

Hands down to you, drunk Canadian’s. You have just renewed my faith in human kind!

I’d like to thank God for placing me 2 minutes away from a beer factory. I love you too!
See you guys on Tuesday!

I love you Kotler!

Posted in Britney, Kotler, Marketing, Motley Crue, T-shirt, Tom Cruise on December 5, 2008 by Skuties

People ask me why I have chosen Marketing as my money earning fun thing. Well, because quoting someone who said it before me: “Image is everything”. And quoting Kid Rock: “If it looks good, you’ll see it. If it sounds good, you’ll hear it. If it’s marketed right, you’ll buy it. But…if it’s real, you’ll feel it.”

Yeah Bob, but who cares about real feelings when we have colors, music and sexy people splashing all around? Marketing makes the world go round. No marketing, no money, or is it no money no marketing? Whatever, you better have both kid, because on our present era, it doesn’t matter how talented you are, if you don’t have a cool image to sell, forget it.

Let’s think about it for a minute…

Let’s say you are the shit, the most talented in your field of choice. Do you know how many untalented little brats, with a huge marketing team behind them are out there? A lot of them. And you have no chance against Marketing evil people like me, who knows exactly all the clichés to make you go crazy, all the right colors, shapes and hot stuff. NO CHANCE BABY!

Want proof? Here.

The Hills. Do I “totally” hate this show? OMG I “totally” do! But I’m not here to judge, I just wanted to “totally” say “totally” twice (or thrice?). So MTV knows what teenagers want and they made The Hills happen. Oohh they are gooood (and I mean it). They make people care about a bunch of hitting 30’s nobodies who have nothing to do or say for that matter. All they do is kiss each other’s boyfriends, it’s like they only know 5 people and that’s it. Did they even finish high school? Well I certainly don’t care. All I care is that the Marketing involved behind the show is great and if MTV called me to work for them, I wouldn’t even think about not “totally” accepting the job!

Now let’s see what happened when one of the girls from The Hills tried her music career without MTV’s marketing. Because all you need is a boyfriend and a camera right? Right?

Ugh! Auto Tune much Heidi?

Enough with the idiots, let’s get to the juicy proof with cool people Marketing themselves correctly.

Exhibit 1: It’s Britney bitch!

Her comeback was somewhat amazing to watch from the Marketing side. She was still brain dead, freaking out, shaving her head and her team managed to glue some hair on her head, put her in a studio and record an album. And they went further; they made her shoot 2 videos. Want more? Remember her MTV music awards painful presentation? GIMME GIMME, GIMME GIMME GIMME MORE. Is it just me or did you also notice that only her body was there? The girl was completely out of it. But it gets better. She got better, and by better I mean awaken, so it was time to put her in the studio again, they shot another video, called MTV, a bunch of magazines, a whole lot of media everything and BANG! Britney wins 3 awards at the 2008 VMAs, she releases her new addictive Womanizer, woma, woma single EVERYWHERE and one night before her new Tour starts selling tickets, the tell all documentary appears on TV’s worldwide. At the same day her new video/single premieres and her new album drops.

She is sooo back.

Exhibit 2: Mötley is back!

(I know what you are thinking, I’m so predictable hihi)

That was a good one. Nikki Sixx, King of timing! Mötley has always been on and off. They break up, do a lot of crazy solo projects, get back together, put a “best of” album with one or two new songs, tour a bit and break up again. But this time they really did it. If you ask me, it all started with Nikki Sixx writing his “Heroine Diaries”, then putting a band together called Sixx: AM and releasing the “Heroine Diaries Soundtrack”. Not to mention tons of book signings and lectures about how good he feels now that he is off drugs. The band hit it big on the radio and played some shows, then I think Nikki just wanted more, so they decided to FINALLY start the project of the Movie for The Dirt and why not? Put the soundtrack for that one too. But it’s Mötley Crüe, one of the few bands that can still kick ass after almost 30 years with the same original guys. By the way, did you hear anything about Mötley Crüe while they were all taking care of their own business and no Marketing was involved? Na-ahhh. So With a full album, what’s next? Lets tour, YAY! And so they did. But for Marketing to work they need a lot of money and you only get a lot of money if a lot of people are “paying” attention (get it? Paying!).

The whole shebang: they put up a new album, started buzzing about the movie, fixed their website and put a “big announcement” banner there leaving it for a month, or so. In the meantime they released their first single on Rockband (first ones to do it folks). So you can see this banner in 5 different bands’ websites. Also in many music related magazines online. They say the big announcement will be broadcasted live online worldwide and who was in LA could go and watch it at someplace I forgot now.

I’m at home waiting for the big announcement (I’m a nerd, so I’ll confess; I opened all websites, all of them in different tabs and sat there waiting for them to do something). First the guys sit on a regular press conference table, start talking about the new album, bla, bla, bla and for some reason a lot of suits are there sitting with them; for a while you think “what a stupid marketing trick, I can’t believe I am here watching this. ARGH” so when I was about to go do something else, Nikki Sixx calls a bunch of guys from all the bands involved and fucking announces the Crüe Fest! Then they tell us that the suits are the executives from Harmonix, who made Rockband and they will have a Rockband stage on Crüe Fest (now how cool is that?). So as they finish explaining all about Crüe Fest, Nikki Sixx says “And you can get your tickets right now!”

Ahhhhh! All websites flipped at once and you could click on a link that would take you to Ticketmaster’s website. Ah if only it had stopped there. As you tried to get your tickets, you realized that you could only do it if you were a member of their fan club – the regular tickets would go on sale in a week or two, but now they got you all crazy, you have to get it now! – OR you can go ahead and purchase a membership right there with your tickets. So there you have it, the money! And of course I did it. I don’t care if it’s Marketing, I’m all for paying for good stuff (bad too). I even got a lousy T-shirt (not delivered YET) for all my loyalty, I don’t wear T-shirts anyway, pfff see if I care.

On that note, I will ask my friend Tom one more time:

Tom, do you need a new Marketing team?

Thought so, call me!

Cum, please?

Posted in boys, cum, girls, he-man, james brown, Orgasm, sex, too long on December 2, 2008 by Skuties

This one is more of a public service than a cultural statement. And by public service I mean I have a problem with you and I want you to take a hint for future references.

I like boys a lot more than I like girls, a lot more than a bunch of other stuff. Because of that, of course most of my friends are boys. I do have some girls on my side and even though they are not as many, they all agree on one thing: We hate boys that take forever to cum!

At the beginning I thought it was just me, I’m not very patient and I get bored very easily, so I thought I was just being evil to the poor boy (s) who was trying to kill himself by sexing me ad infinitum. Then I started hearing all my girls saying the same thing. “Don’t you hate when the boy takes forever to cum?”

YES I DO!!! I DO!!!! WE ALL DO!!!!!!

So on behalf of all girls I know (probably all girls I don’t know either): Boys could you please cum a little faster?

None of us like a 10 minute guy, but over 1 hour is too much! Please my lovely misters, find a place in the middle, or do it like 100 times instead of one long cry after 4 hours of torture. I’m all for the “Let’s cum 100 gazillion times, all day long” instead of freaky endless sex.

Now, let’s get to the science of it!

IT IS A MYTH that girls like to have sex forever and ever and ever at once. Porno myth. Don’t get me wrong. Sex is good, always good. And of course we imagine that something as good as sex should last forever, and if it did that would be super cool.

“In psychosexual therapy, people are told about the 2-6-2 rule. Out of every ten times you have sex, the chances are that twice it’ll be fantastic and mind-blowing, and the earth will move; six times it’ll be nice but nothing special; and twice you’ll wish you hadn’t bothered.”

I will bet that the two times you wish you hadn’t bothered were those two boys who thought you love endless sex.

Boys, do you have fun with endless sex? I mean, isn’t it a lot of work, a huge amount of energy to keep going on for hours and try not to cum. I think it’s not even fun is it? I have a friend who told me he thinks about all sort of crazy things not to cum before his girlfriend does. JUST DO IT MAN! You can make her cum in other ways (I hope).

I have some words of comfort though. We know most of you take forever to cum, because you want it to last longer and some of you even think of us and on our fun and good times. But believe me; find a place in the middle. Unfortunately we are not sex machines.


We don’t really care what tools do you use, we just want to feel good and have fun. And one thing is a fact: If you torture us for too long, we go numb. When we go numb it sux, when it sux, we hate you, and when we hate you we tell ALL of our friends (boys and girls) how bad you are, how you took forever to cum and how we wish we hadn’t bothered.

Ok, maybe that’s just me, but I doubt it. All girls are evil bastards ALL OF THEM!

So let’s do this, let’s all cum faster for a better world! Let’s cum faster and keep doing it 100 gazillion times! Everybody wins folks, everybody wins!

“I’ll have what she’s having.”