Part two: When it’s Mel’s fault
Mel: My turn for the confessional booth – Things I am doing when I am supposed to be updating the Blog. While there are quite a few on Tati’s list that I feel confident in adding to mine. It was declared “no repeats” – which is only fair.
Elvis: all you have to say is that you spend all your free time being my servant…
01 Starting New Hobbies – The internet is full of crafty fun hobbies that just get my fingers itching to get started. This usually results in another constant not to be put on this list – cleaning, organizing & craft supply disasters.
02 Finding New Recipes to Try – I lose hours at a time wading through glorious pictures of savory and sweet temptations and wondering about possibilities and wanting to get out a whisk and an apron. Pity I don’t spend more time actually MAKING them. Future temptations to be sampled at a future date for oral satisfaction ratings.
03 Trying to be more Disciplined – I find when I am being paid to do something I am pretty good about getting it done on time. Or at least within expected deadlines. It is never exactly to my degree of perfectionism but it seems to keep me employed.
However, the minute I walk in the door all the things I need to do at home get stirred into a pot with all the things I’d like to do (see 1 and 2 above) and suddenly I find I am procrastinating and doing nothing. Therefore I decide I need more discipline and seek to find ways to teach myself to be more disciplined. None have worked so far.
04 Reading my Collection of Pop-up Books – I love Pop Up books – especially those by Reinhart & Sabuda – however any that is fun, clever or well done is accepted on my shelves.
Elvis: Oh those damn books… Everytime I go sniff them something pops up and scares the hell out of me! One day I will get my revenge. I will kill THEM ALL!
Mel: I love them because they give you that same sense of kid “awe” and “magic” as blowing bubbles. BTW the one featured in the video below is not in my collection yet. My birthday is next week. Hint. Hint. Hint.
Elvis: I will have my revenge! Hint. Hint. Hint.
05 Resolving fights & winning competitions. In an all male (questionable in Sugar’s case) but me household there are lots of competitions, fights & general uproars to be had. Sometimes of course I’m the one creating them.
But that’s beside the point. Using the computer is a constant battle with Elvis, Sinatra & Sugar. Playing Lumines is a battle with Gabriel & control of the TV. Going to bed is a battle between me and Elvis for the blanket. Eating breakfast is a battle between me and Sinatra for the cereal bowl. Cleaning is a struggle between me and Sugar and the pile of papers/books/whatever.
You get the picture. Life is a Battlefield.
Part one: When it’s Tati’s fault
Evlis: humf stupid humans, its always your fault
01 – Thinking about hot men
Tati: Oh Yeah-ha
Elvis: *cough* cough* God – make me hack up a hairball why don’t you
Elvis: I particularly liked that episode with the cats that were attacking the stupid humans that refused to respect the shaman woman. That’s based on a true story by the way. Except the Shaman woman was a follower of Basement Cat.
Tati: You mean YOU!
02 – Watching whole TV Show’s seasons at once
The only two TV Shows I was not late, was Lost and Fringe. I managed to watch 5 seasons of House in 3 weeks. That’s because I was simultaneously watching Death Note, I am sure it would have taken me less to watch just 5 Seasons (considering I skipped the whole 4th Season that House was choosing his new team, boy that sucked!)
A While ago I bought the X-Files awesome box. Took me 3 months to watch all the episodes (I was working full time at the time) Every night, for 3 months I had awesome dreams about Mulder! Mmmmm Mulder *drool*
Elvis: Mel & Gabe are watching X-files. It’s great to stick my claws in Mel’s thigh right at the scary moments.
03 – Doing absolutely nothing
Elvis: this I can Support.
I found this:
“It’s overrated. After you’ve spent a day doing nothing useful and consider your life afterwards, it’s somewhat depressing. A day is 24 hours.. that’s 1440 minutes.. that’s 86400 seconds. I can tell you, I’ve wasted a whole day… it was really miserable when I went to sleep that night.”
I’ll tell you this: It’s not overrated! It’s awesome! Feels great! Feels even better when you feel it’s time to go to sleep and you realize you just need to hold your pillow and you are ready! I proudly spent a lot more than 86400 seconds doing absolutely nothing!
Elvis: I find that sleep is a vital part of survival. For once you show some intelligence.
Tati: Agreed, and I am a kitchen!
04 – Getting drunk
You see, it works like this. I have OCD, so I have to finish what I start, sometimes on a specific order. So I tell myself: I will have dinner, then later go to the gym, come back, take a shower and write the post.
Guess what happens?
You know when you skip one day of GYM and then you skip the whole week? That’s what’s happening to us now. We have it in our hearts that we will produce something useful for Friday though.
Mel: are you sure we should get their hopes up with the promise of “Something useful” do we ever do anything useful?
Tati: we are always useful. Without us, people would be working
Mel: Only too true.
Tati: What a crazy week we had. Testing all this toys was hard work. Not to mention expensive. But we finally reached a verdict. Guess who had more fun in the end? What? No silly, just keep reading…
Mel: So after a week of tests – some with outside assistance for proper testing, pictures, videos and more. Here are the official results to support whether Blondes or Brunettes really have more fun.
The Pleasure Periscope
Tati: This one is better than a regular mixer. It’s a keeper!
This truly brings pleasure to your daily cooking. You can mix stuff AND look inside the mix at the same time…I almost turned my cookie dough ice cream into water because I got too distracted looking inside of it.
I also made awesome pasta sauce and then some whipped cream that I later used on my boyfriend.
Tati level of fun: 3 ½
Fake boyfriend level of fun: All the way baby
Mel: Instructions indicate use for personal health and safety. I now carry it in my purse and have my own personal ray gun!
I love it! So far I’ve gotten free gas & spare change from the register, a new necklace & a wallet just for showing people how fantastic this little number is.
Similar models have already been proven just as effective.
Mel: This does not protect against carrot odor as promised. I still had bunnies following me home from the park.
Rabid Rabbits still detected the carrot in my purse and I had to throw it far into the playground to keep them from attacking me – I’ll stick to Ziploc & Cucumbers.
Mel: This nativity set requires is not as colorful as other sets but it is waterproof – a big plus for outdoor displays.
Tati: I know I am not supposed to interrupt but, this IS kinda colourful…
Tati: This one was really good for strawberry scented tequila shots, but not as good as coin holders. It kept closing and opening, so my coins would jump out, making a simple walk through the park REALLY annoying. I had the hardest time getting my coins back from the squirrels.
Mr. Jack with Mustache
Mel: This made an excellent pot handle holder for my inox pans- kept my fingers safe from singes while I made fried donuts. Every household should have a few!
Tati: I am now a proud owner of a gay Mexican key holder!
Tati: Awesome cat-owner fun!
Turn your cone upside down, set it to spin and sit Elvis on top of it, then watch! You may like to wear gloves next time you try to play with your cat, but it’s totally worth it!
Mel: So Elvis’s punching bag will only arrive in a few weeks & like all things in advertising the picture is not to scale. The accommodator was of average size so I let him try this out instead.
Supposed to provide nirvana like enlightenment through meditation & stimulation of the 3rd Eye – this stayed on his head an average of 0.5 seconds.
Tati: This thing is DA BOMB! We first tried this out at the Strawberry Tequila Party. I ordered two: the black and blacker and the white and pink.
That made possible for us to divide in two teams: boys and girls. We turned them on and let them loose around the house. First one to knock somebody down scores!
Tati level of fun: 5
Tati level of bruises: over 9000
Tati: This is another great item for parties. I got a bunch of them. Why? Check this out:
-They glow in the dark
-They shake shake shake
-They are water proof
Tati level of fun: 5
Tati level of alcohol in blood stream: 96%
Mel: Application to the end of a standard toothbrush increases brushing power. 4 out of 5 dentists recommend it. Application to the end of whisk increases in beating power. 4 out of 5 cooks recommend it.
Mel level of Fun: 4
Tongue Vibe level of Usability: 5
Paul and Paulina
Tati: Ok, there is only one thing to do with Paul and Paulina:
Tati level of fun: 4
Tati’s place level of cuteness: 1 trillion!
Mel: Instalment required only a standard suction cup and some ribbon. It works well in the kitchen for dishtowels but wet hand towels, are too heavy for the vibrate function to properly move around enough to speed up drying.
Mel: These make excellent alternatives to salt rimmed cocktail glasses & add a new dimension to mixed drinks – similar to using a lollipop instead of an olive in your martini.
I tried them with Frozen Margaritas, Manhattans & Champagne Cocktails – by the end of the night Head Candy rimmed glasses filled with Sake were the best.
So we did what any friend in distress would do. We went shopping! We spent the whole day online buying goodies from local stores. The test results will be posted on Friday.
Mel: The Statistical Chart has already been created and data will be collected during the week in order to statistically analyze to learn the true results.
Tati: Today we will leave you with the results of our shopping spree (you will have to come back on Friday to see what we actually bought)
WARNING: Some pictures are not safe for work, but they are not that heavy either, I’d go for it. I’d even show them to my boss. I’d even invite my boss’ wife to see them, I’d even invite my boss’ wife’s mom to see them!
Mel: Of course Tati is currently working freelance so just because she would do it doesn’t mean you should.
Tati: Or does it?
Tati: this is technology at its best! Not only you can pleasure yourself, but you can perform a full gynecological exam or if you are feeling naughty enough (or brave), you can give your boyfriend a Colonoscopy. I am pretty sure he will love it!
Mel: This is clearly something imagined by a guy and designed by one as it looks like something from Star Trek – To boldly go where no Trekkie has gone before.
Tati: one more reason to give him a colonoscopy
“freshly scented strawberry jelly anus with tight noduled sleeve.”
Mel: This makes me think of Donuts. Like this was supposed to have been a “Freshly scented strawberry jelly donut anus”
Mr. Jack with Mustache
“A rubber jack-off sleeve for men, shaped like a male mouth and chin”
Mel: This is just wrong. However it will be a true test of which has more fun – count how many men you turn on by holding one of those and winking suggestively.
Tati: this must feel like getting a blow job from a deformed Mexican. This looks so creepy like the baby alien that comes from inside the Alien’s mouth on the Alien’s movie. Or a gay Muppet.
Tati: Well, it’s pink, looks like a party hat and vibrates. I’d sit on it! Last party hat I sat on didn’t even bother to vibrate. I’m not complaining, but I think it would be nice if it had vibrated. You can also lay on it or sit against gravity on it too.
Mel: They are probably reading the instruction manual.
Tati: looks easy from my point of view…
Tati: this is a crazy vibrating ball, super GLAM, comes in black and blacker, and also in white and pink. You can roll it all over you, your boyfriend, your neighbours, friends, networking is very important these days with the recession. I think this ball might be a great ice breaker.
Mel: But the true test is whether I can convince the Prince of the Universe to trade me one of these for his Katamari.
Tati: Don’t worry, I am tilting my head too. This is like an Escher vibrator. Comes in 3 cool colors, I like this one cause it’s the same color as my tooth brush.
Mel: It comes in a nice case too. And if you leave it lying around no one would ever guess especially if you put a cute face sticker over the on off switch. In fact it should.
Does this one come with an instruction manual? Because I’m not sure I have the proper alien anatomy for this one.
Tati: Maybe THAT’s the instructions that the Cone girls were reading!
You basically put your beef thermometer inside that hole then go stick it in someone, make those bullets vibrate and see what happens. According to the description, the curvy things are dolphin’s tails.
Mel: of COURSE it’s Dolphin related. Only the “best” things are after all. I agree The skateboard is a much better name. This one looks like it’s going to hurt for the wrong reasons.
The Clit Bumper
Tati: This one is easy! You put your Dilly-ho-ho in the hole (just like the skateboard), then turn your clit bumper on, then go bump some clits.
You can also put it on your bike’s handlebar, looks totally appropriate for that.
The Willie Wrapper
Mel: This is getting too complicated. And if the guy is the one supposed to be taking the initiative and gearing up like Batman then why are they all pink?
Tati: Because it has to look pretty! Pretty in Pink HA!
I am trying not to judge here, but, but…. Yes I’m tilting my head!
Mel: I’m left nearly speechless…and not in a good way. However, it’s a good thing it comes with a picture, I would have assumed it was supposed to go on my head and that was a chin strap, not the other way around.
Tati: I truly don’t know what would be worse.
What you do is: you plug your awesome OhMiBod into your ipod/whateverpod you have and you vibrate with the music. But this one, this one is dangerous.
This one you put it inside your panties turn it on and go out. Then it picks up the sounds around you and you are fucked! Literally, by anything that emits a sound. On the website their suggestion is for you to go to a Club. Got it? Club – Vibe?
Mel: … Does this mean this only works if the sounds are eardrum splitting? Only picks up bass? This just sounds like someone didn’t think this through all the way. This does however explain that one woman on the metro the other day though.
Mel: Not only that but is this for two people? 1 person? Why all the cords (I hate cords) and weird attachments and what is up with the alien rabbit? And let’s be honest at this point you should just go Glam – because this does not look user friendly.
Tati: This is hilarious. For those who never gave or received a blowjob (so they don’t know that teeth are not welcome), you have this thing that you bite then go give some unlucky guy/girl a blowjob. It tastes like candy, so here is how I think it will go:
You put this in your mouth and unless you are Steven Tyler or his daughter, this will limit considerably the useable size of your mouth. Then you will start drooling, because it tastes like candy. Add that to a guy/girl who thinks blowjobs with teeth are fun and yes my darling, GOOD FUCKING LUCK with that!
Write us telling how did it go for you: firstname.lastname@example.org
Mel: Do these dissolve like candy? Like are these mouth guard lollipops? Or just flavored plastic? Either way, this can NOT be a top seller. Must be a gag gift right?
Tati: Nope, DEAD SERIOUS!
Tati: this one looks like you need to have total control of your mouth, tongue and surroundings. Otherwise I predict teeth marks and tragic choking followed by a bloody taco warmer and probably death.
Mel: And with a giant vibrating plastic thing in your mouth you KNOW that you will have perfect control of your mouth, tongue and surroundings for as long as you wear the thing. In fact the longer you use it the better, and that thing that holds it on? You don’t even notice it’s there.
The diving Nun
Mel: The fact these even exist…let alone someone is selling them and people are potentially using them. I mean sure Death you can see the symbolism and all there but the Baby Jesus? Really? I mean I want to see the demographics for who buys and uses this thing. No wait. I don’t want to know ANYTHING about ANYONE who uses any baby like that.
(I love this world, dildo!)
Mel: It always makes me think of Bilbo Baggins -_-
Tati: haha Bilbo dildo!
Mel: yeah suddenly after baby Jesus everything is PERFECTLY NORMAL.
And of course, the best, cutest and GLAM-EST of all:
Paul and Paulina!
Mel: Of course at that point you would be testing whether it is possible to orgasm while laughing. Do inch worms make noises?
Tati: hope so!
Mel: We couldn’t leave Elvis out of the fun completely however, the closest thing we could find was this little number. Which is disturbing for a whole new set of reasons – at least it keeps them off your leg.